This post first appeared on my personal blog, Humblebee Home.
Ok kids, today I’m going to talk at you about how to look your best. I am seriously under qualified to do so, but whatever.
Our concept of beauty is based around stereotypical signs of good health, such as clear, radiant skin and shiny, thick hair. So it follows that if you want to be beautiful, all you have to do is be healthy.
1. Get enough sleep.
They don’t call it “beauty sleep” for nothing. Just clear your schedule and sleep off those under-eye circles.
2. Eat nutritious food.
Open your wallet and buy the good stuff, then clear your schedule and cook it, savoring every moment of the food experience. Your body will thank you for not poisoning it with Nutella anymore!
3. Drink a half-gallon of water a day.
Clear your schedule, because you are going to do a lot of peeing. That’s how the toxins get flushed out of your body, you know.
4. Steer clear of caffeine and alcohol.
Your body doesn’t need that delicious, life-giving poison.
Clear your schedule, because you need at least a half-hour a day of being sweaty and uncomfortable in order to look your best.
So there you have it! Five quick and easy ways looking great. It is SO simple–I really don’t understand why more people don’t do it.
Ha ha, just kidding! Please don’t kick me.
That stuff isn’t simple or easy at this point in my life, and I bet it’s not for you either. We’re adults with adult responsibilities, and while it goes without saying that we should all work hard to take care of ourselves, sometimes it just ain’t gonna happen.
So the only thing to do is to fake it til you make it, right?
I would “fake it” like most people do by wearing makeup…except I’ve never really been comfortable wearing it. It was verboten to me until I was in my late teens and I never got used to it. I like the idea of makeup, but if I wear anything more than the bare minimum (mascara and maybe some under-eye concealer) I get super self-conscious. Something I have learned over my adult life is that if you can’t wear it with confidence, it’s working against you.
Also, putting on makeup while toddlers are fighting over which one of your ankles they get to cling to is not ideal.
So, with extensive makeup off the table, I had to learn to fake good health by other means.
Drumroll, please. Here are my real 5 favorite ways to make it look like I’m making an effort without actually going through the trouble of putting on makeup.
I recently saw this post over at In Honor of Design about how to grow your eyelashes naturally. The title was intriguing because hey, we all want longer, thicker lashes, don’t we? I was expecting a manifesto about the benefits of a South American berry, but the answer was surprisingly mundane: Hair, Skin, and Nails dietary supplements. The active ingredient is biotin, a B-vitamin that is necessary for cell growth. Wikipedia stated that the research regarding biotin’s effect on hair growth is a bit murky, but it also stated that biotin is thought to help regulate blood sugar. That would be awesome because I am allllways on a blood sugar roller coaster.
Anyway, I figured it couldn’t hurt so I got me some off-brand supplements at Kroger and waited for my long, gorgeous lashes to grow in. Alas, I’m not seeing much improvement (yet?) but my skin is in its heyday right now. It’s pretty awesome.
Remember in the 90s when no one had eyebrows? I was the worst of them. I cringe when I look at prom pictures and see my poor naked face. Thank goodness that full eyebrows are back in. I hope they get to stay for a while.
But in order to pull off the no-makeup look, I simply can’t allow my eyebrows to fulfill their Gandalfian aspirations. Full, YES. “Long bushy eyebrows that stuck out further than the brim of his shady hat”, NO. Hence the tweezers.
When my mom visited us a few months ago she left behind a magnifying mirror that I never mailed back to her because it made the whole depilation process so much easier. Sorry, mom. I’ll buy it from you.
By a show of hands, who else is rocking the bleary-eyed “I pulled an all-nighter” look? Hmmm, lots of you. I thought so.
There are lots of products that “brighten your eyes” but since eye makeup tends to make my eyes red and irritated, I prefer to actually brighten my eyes. Eye drops: they’ll make you look like a bright-eyed teenager.
Don’t let the toothbrush fool you: this isn’t about dental hygiene (although that is a very important aspect of any beauty regimen, but I hope you already knew that). #4 is here to talk to you about exfoliating your lips. Here’s a wikihow article showing 4 methods of lip exfoliation, but I am too lazy to make a sugar scrub so I just brush my lips a bit with my toothbrush every morning. A couple of scrubs takes away all the dead skin and improves the blood flow to the area, which means they will plump up a bit and have better color. It’s like lipstick but…not.
I have lately started utilizing the age-old beauty trick of misdirection. I’ve started wearing earrings a lot more than I used to because when people see me I want them to think, “oooh, shiny!” rather than, “omg, does she have a wasting disease?”
(p.s. I don’t actually own those earrings, but I want to.)
I’m not swearing off makeup; far from it. Someday I hope to pull off a full rockabilly look. But on those days when, for whatever reason, putting on the ole’ concealer and lip gloss seams like too much of a hassle, this regimen gives me the confidence to say, eh, screw it. Not putting on makeup today.